Friday=day off. However, somewhere in the past year, I thought it would be a grand idea to substitute teach on Fridays. That way, I would still stay relevant with the teaching and education world. This notion was fine and dandy until this past Friday. I now know why I am a minister, and not teaching anymore. I simply lost my touch.
I was supposed to be at the school at 11:30. (You should know that usually they call you in 10-15 minutes early so you can find the room, get settled in, etc.). This school is under construction so there was NO parking spots. I ended up parking in the back of the school, walking 1/2 mile to the front office. No big deal, right? Except it was raining. And, I didn't have an umbrella. It's going to be a great day.
It is about 11:33 when I am signing in. The office is buzzed, and a frazzled teacher is on the intercom asking if there is a sub for 1st grade. The secretary told her that I just came and will be there shortly. The PTA President decides to walk me down to my classroom. She also manages to talk to two different people--forgetting where she was taking me. As soon as I walked in, the class erupted in applause. I felt like I was straight out of a movie. "Ms. Jackson, you so pretty. Ms. Jackson, I like your necklace. Ms. Jackson, where you get your dress?" I forgot I was spending my afternoon with 1st graders.
After I passed out math worksheets, a little boy came to my desk, full of tears in his eyes. "Ms. Jackson (wimper, wimper) Bruce be talkin' bout' my momma and her panties! (sniff, sniff)" My response? "Bruce, go pull a stick. We are not talkin about anybody's mommas or their panties." The afternoon went by pretty fast. However, there were probably 10-15 sticks pulled. I am now in the "most hated" sub category.
The end of my day was the clincher, however. We were supposed to end our day by going to the computer lab. But, since the 20 tiny first graders could not line up, zip their lips, and keep their hands to themselves, I decided we would not go to the computer lab. That decision then made 3 of them cry as if they just found out their puppy dog just died. Other children then began to laugh and taunt the three crybabies. In the background, one ornery boy drew a frowny face on the board and started putting all of the good kids names under the bad list. He then tried to clean the board, accidentally spraying himself in the eyes. He then begins to scream and cry. I feel sympathy for his crying, however. He is legit. At this point, I really feel like I am 1) at a zoo or 2) at a circus.
Looking at the note left by the teacher, she said school would be dismissed at 2:50. I look at my watch. 2:51. "Please, oh please, call them, and let me go home." 2:53. "What am I going to do tonight?" 2:55. "I really think they should be gone now." 2:57. I decide to ask the most responsible student (seriously, what was I thinking??? They are 6 years old!) if there is a bell, or an announcement, or the teacher just dismisses them. She told me the teacher just dismisses them. Then, she looked at my watch, saw it was 3:01, put her hands on her cheeks, and screamed "WE ARE ALL GOING TO MISS THE BUS!!!!" Don't you worry. I was just as scared and worried as they were. I told them to "run, kids, run like you've never run before. . ." 3:03. Announcement comes on to dismiss the bus kids.
I officially suck at teaching. I've lost the touch.
